Ask Miriam – April 2023
Dear Miriam,
My mother was originally diagnosed with Mild Cognitive Impairment (MCI), but it has progressed over this past year. Just recently she had two serious accidents in which, luckily, no one was hurt. She insists that she does not have any problems and can drive herself when she needs to go out. My father has told me that he is afraid to be in the car with her when she is driving. He is a good driver, but he has not been able to persuade her to let him be the one to take the wheel. Her doctor has already told them that she is not supposed to drive, and I know how dangerous it is. How can I help my father?
—Concerned Son
Dear Concerned Son,
I understand your concerns, and it can be very difficult for someone like your mother, who has been independent all these years, to give up driving. It’s very challenging, too, to try to convince someone that they are no longer safe to drive. Although accidents can happen to anyone, one of the symptoms of dementia is lack of judgement and insight. Your mother may also be having more trouble interpreting what is going on around her, which can lead to accidents.
If the doctor has already stated that she can no longer drive, then her doctor is obligated (in California) to make a report to the DMV. In fact, anyone can make a report anonymously if they are concerned about someone’s driving. I suggest you speak with your mother’s doctor and request that they contact the DMV if they have not already. The DMV will reach out to your mother and schedule a driving test. If she is not able to pass, the DMV will take her license, and she will no longer be allowed to drive.
Have a private conversation with your father (and any other involved family members or friends) to help them understand that it is no longer safe for her to drive. Let them know that your mother likely will react strongly to losing her license. She may be angry and blame your father or you. She may even attempt to drive without a license. If that happens, you will need to work with your father to ensure she is not able to access any car keys. You’ll also need to make sure that someone is available to regularly take her to the places that she needs to go.
Reassure your father that he is doing the right thing. Let him know not to take her anger or what she says personally. Encouraging him to join a support group would allow him to talk with others who are going through similar experiences. For more information about driving and dementia, watch our Caregiver Tip Video about driving, or read our Driving – Caregiver Tip Sheet. To get further help, call our Helpline at 844-435-7259.
Best,
Miriam
Questions for Miriam can be sent to askmiriam@alzla.org.