Ask Miriam – September 2025
Dear Miriam,
I am caring for my 79-year-old brother who has Alzheimer’s disease. For the last year, he has lived in a six-bed private board-and-care home. It’s not fancy, but they take good care of him. The problem is that he has always been the kind of person who enjoys chatting with people wherever he goes. But the other residents at the home are not very social. The staff do spend time with him, but they have a lot of other responsibilities, too. So, the issue is that he still has his cell phone. Throughout the day, and sometimes the night, he randomly and repeatedly calls me and other members of the family whose numbers are programmed into the phone. He doesn’t remember the previous calls, of course, and he is always so happy to talk to whichever one of us is on the other end. He also picks up the phone and answers it whenever it rings. Several times a staff member has had to stop him from giving out personal financial information. I don’t want to deprive him of the joy of talking with others, but the constant calls are creating stress for our family, and I am really worried that he is going to be scammed.
—Worried Younger Brother
Dear Worried,
Your concerns are very understandable, and it can be quite challenging when families face trying to balance safety and independence for a loved one with dementia. The changes caused by this disease mean that your brother is not able to use logic and judgement the way he might have in the past, so trying to convince him not to call, or not to pick up the phone, is not likely to be helpful. But there are some steps that you can take to create a better situation.
Since the phone seems to be an important social connection for him, you may decide to have him keep it for now. But contact the phone carrier and ask if they have a way to block all incoming calls other than allowed phone numbers of family members or friends. This will protect him from telemarketers and potential scams. Also note that there are phones designed for people with memory loss (which, for example, have pictures of people instead of numbers on the buttons); however, it may be difficult for him to learn how to use a new phone at this point.
Talk to your family, too. Let them know that he simply does not remember that he called before, and that it is perfectly okay not to answer. They can decide how often they would like to speak with him, and you should also feel free to let calls go. You can always check in with the staff if you have a concern. In addition, the staff may be able to distract him when he is focused on making calls, redirecting him to another activity. You may find that as the dementia progresses, the staff can simply start keeping his phone out of sight.
Allowing your brother another outlet to enjoy chatting with people may also help. Consider enrolling him in an adult day program once or twice a week so that he can spend time interacting with others. You could also set up a visiting schedule with family and friends so he can see and talk to different people and the responsibilities are spread around. Know that you are doing your very best for your brother and remember to get support for yourself if you are feeling overwhelmed.
For more information about dementia, safety and socialization, call the Alzheimer’s Los Angeles Helpline at 844-435-725.
Best,
Miriam
Questions for Miriam can be sent to askmiriam@alzla.org.