Ask Miriam – October 2026
Dear Miriam,
I have been taking care of my wife, who has Alzheimer’s, for the last 4 years. Six months ago, she started declining quite a bit, and I wasn’t able to manage at home, even though I did have some help coming in daily. I’m 82 myself, and she is 83, and I have been having some heart issues. My son and daughter-in-law picked out a facility with memory care for her; I visited, and it seemed nice, but I was hesitant since I know my wife is only comfortable in her own house where we have lived for over 40 years. My son brought her to the facility without telling her she was going to have to stay there, and they told us not to visit for 2 weeks, so I haven’t gone until now. When I got there, she was crying and begging to be let out of “jail.” I think she has lost weight, too. The nurse there said she is still adjusting, but that she has attended a few activities. I am very shaken up, and I think this may all be a bad idea. My son says that we should give it a little longer. What do you think?
—Loving Husband
Dear Husband,
I’m so glad you are reaching out, and I can see how much you care about your wife’s well-being. Often, at some point in the Alzheimer’s/dementia journey, a person requires more care than can be provided at home, and it becomes necessary to make a move to a new residence. But change can be scary, especially for a person with dementia. Your wife may be feeling frightened, confused, and lost, and it is understandable that her perceptions right now make her think she is imprisoned in a strange place with unfamiliar people.
It is also common for memory care facilities to ask the family not to visit for a little while to give the person with dementia time to adjust to the new routines and environment. But sometimes it can take longer than just a few weeks. It’s also important to remember that she may behave differently when you are not there. In fact, it’s already a good sign that she is participating in a few activities.
Communication with staff is critical, and you or your son should be sure to attend the “plan of care” meetings where both family and staff can focus on how to make your wife more comfortable. Ensure that caregivers know about her interests and preferences, including food that is appealing to her, so they can support her with eating as well as monitor her weight.
Know also that it is normal for family members to experience guilt and doubt about moving their person with dementia into a facility. For the most part, though, given time and attentive staff, chances are that your wife’s experience will improve. You can reassess at regular intervals, and if concerns remain, consider consulting with a geriatric specialist, such as a physician or social worker, for further advice.
For more information about memory care and placement, contact the Alzheimer’s Los Angeles Helpline at 844-435-7259. Questions for Miriam can be e-mailed to askmiriam@alzla.org.
Best,
Miriam
Questions for Miriam can be sent to askmiriam@alzla.org.
