Ask Miriam – October 2025
Dear Miriam,
I have been taking care of my husband for nearly four years. He has Alzheimer’s disease, and his doctor told me it is now mid-stage. We have a son, who is lovely and calls every week, but he lives in a different state, so I have been doing this all on my own. I try to stay positive, but I do get exhausted, and I feel like I don’t have much of a life anymore. But just last week, my best friend from college invited me to go on vacation with her to Hawaii! I was so excited, and I really wanted to go. However, what would I do about my husband? He is so attached to me that even when I go to the bathroom, he follows me around and sometimes cries. I worry that he will miss me terribly, cry, or not eat, if I were to go away. It feels selfish to consider going on vacation, but it would mean so much to me. What do you think?
—Conflicted Wife
Dear Worried,
You are not being selfish at all, and it is understandable that as a full-time caregiver you are worn out and need a break. Taking care of a person with dementia is emotionally and physically exhausting. It is important that caregivers like you have some time off to relax and maintain your own health
.
It is common for a person with dementia to follow their loved one around – this is called “shadowing.” Your husband may feel uncertain about what to do when he doesn’t immediately see you, or he may feel generally confused or fears something is happening to you while you are out of sight. While this symptom can be uncomfortable for you both , it does not mean that you always need to be together.
Think about who you would be comfortable taking care of him in your absence. You could hire someone he already knows – a friend, neighbor, relative – or a professional from a homecare agency to stay with him. The benefit to having someone come stay with him is that he gets to stay in his familiar environment. Another idea is to have him stay at a memory care or assisted living facility, that provides respite. There he will be looked after by experienced staff, and he will have the opportunity to enjoy socialization and activities.
Once you decide who will be caring for him and where, ensure that they know all his usual routines. While he may be anxious or upset at times, there will always be someone with him to provide reassurance and distraction and to make sure he’ll be safe. Consider not giving much advance notice to him that you are going away (to reduce any possible distress). Then rest, relax, and enjoy Hawaii, knowing that your husband is safe and well cared for.
For more information on caregiving and respite, call the Alzheimer’s Los Angeles Helpline at 844-435-7259.
Best,
Miriam
Questions for Miriam can be sent to askmiriam@alzla.org.