Ask Miriam – March 2026
Dear Miriam,
I am the caregiver for my wife – she is 79 years old, 11 years older than I am, and is in the mid-stages of Alzheimer’s disease with vascular dementia. We’ve had a wonderful marriage, and I want to be able to take care of her at home as long as I can. We never had children; however, my wife was very close with one of her sisters, who just died. She was only sick for a little while, and I never told my wife she died, as I didn’t want to upset her. Now the funeral is coming up. What do I say to my wife? Should she go to the service? I’m afraid she is going to be devastated at the news that her sister is gone. My wife is still somewhat independent, but she is pretty confused and easily upset. What do you think?
—Worried Husband
Dear Worried,
Thank you for reaching out and for being so thoughtful in the care of your wife. I can hear how much you love her, and I hope to be able to provide a little guidance.
Often, when someone has dementia, they are not able to hold onto new information. So, if you were to tell her that her sister died, she may not remember. If you do decide that it is important for her to know (for example, perhaps her sister called or visited regularly, and your wife would recognize she no longer does), then explain it in very simple terms, such as “She was sick, the doctors tried to help, but she died peacefully.” Provide comfort and reassurance that you are there, and when possible, try to distract her, perhaps with a walk, or playing some music she enjoys. If she asks repeatedly for her sister after that, you may want to use a “therapeutic fib” (such as that her sister is at work) so that she doesn’t have to relive the grief of hearing the news again.
Whether or not to go to the funeral really depends on how meaningful it is to both of you to be there. Since your wife and her sister were close, you may feel that you want to respect that relationship. But again, she is unlikely to remember the funeral itself, and she may not even know what is going on during it. If you do decide to go, plan to tell her. It can be on the day of and in very simple terms that you are going to be with other people who knew her sister. Remember to bring a comfort item for her such as a favorite sweater or snack. Choose a place to sit that is near an exit and be prepared to leave if she becomes distressed.
If you decide that going to the funeral would be too overwhelming for your wife, there are still other ways that you can honor her sister quietly together, the two of you at home, or perhaps at a favorite place they enjoyed going to (a garden, for example), by reminiscing about “old times” together, or lighting a candle. Recognize that you are doing all that you can to ensure your wife’s comfort, and know that for so many things having to do with dementia, there is no “right” answer. But your love makes all the difference.
For more information on communicating with those who have dementia and supporting them through difficult times, call the Alzheimer’s Los Angeles Helpline at 844-435-7259.
Best,
Miriam
Questions for Miriam can be sent to askmiriam@alzla.org.