Ask Miriam – June 2025
Dear Miriam,
I have been taking care of my wife for the past year since she was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s disease. The last time we were at the doctor’s office, the doctor said she could see that caregiving was taking a toll on me. I’m 82 years old myself, and my wife is 80. She recommended that I get a home care aide to help me out, but I don’t really know what an aide is supposed to do. We have someone who comes over once a week to clean and do laundry right now, and my son is really helpful in driving us to appointments and the grocery store. But it’s getting harder for me to help my wife get dressed and taking her to the bathroom is a challenge – she gets confused, and sometimes she gets angry at me for trying to help. Then I get frustrated, and it’s hard to be patient. I realize that she is going to be less and less able to do anything for herself, so hiring help is probably a good idea, but what should I expect? Where do I find someone? What kinds of things do they do? Do I have to be there with them? I’ve just never been in this situation before.
—Loving Husband
Dear Loving Husband,
It sounds like you have been doing a wonderful job as both a husband and a caregiver for your wife. It can be very challenging to care for someone with Alzheimer’s or another dementia, and it’s good to hear that you are planning to take steps to get additional help and support.
Home care aides (also called home health aides or home care workers) can do many things to assist your wife in managing what are called activities of daily living (ADLs). Their responsibilities can include:
- Assisting with bathing, dressing, grooming, toileting, and feeding.
- Preparing meals and ensuring dietary needs are met.
- Providing companionship, social engagement, and emotional support.
- Helping with light housekeeping, laundry, and errands.
- Ensuring your wife takes her medications (though not directly giving the medications)
- Supervising safety, including monitoring for wandering and watching for falls or accidents.
Often, people use home care agencies to bring care into the home. Agencies handle hiring, background checks, training, and payroll. You can ask to interview potential aides to find a good fit. Agencies may also provide backup if your regular aide is unavailable. Another alternative is to hire independently, such as through a website like care.com. In that case, it is important to make sure that you take care of your responsibilities as an employer, including paying taxes, social security withholding, etc. Many agencies and independent aides require a minimum number of days or hours of work. Finally, for those who meet the low-income requirements, state programs such as In-Home Supportive Services and the Veterans Administration may also be an option.
When a home care aide comes into your home, you’ll want to set clear expectations and agree upon what tasks the aide will be doing throughout the time they are there. You can be present at first, especially to observe and help with the transition. But over time, many caregivers use this time to rest and relax, connect with friends, or enjoy an activity you haven’t had time for recently. It’s important to maintain your own physical and mental health. Caregiving, even with a helper, can be draining. Consider joining a support group for caregivers, see your doctor regularly, and get enough sleep and physical activity. The presence of a home care aide can be of great benefit to both of you.
For more information about hiring care in the home, call the Alzheimer’s Los Angeles Helpline at 844-435-7259.
Best,
Miriam
Questions for Miriam can be sent to askmiriam@alzla.org.