Ask Miriam – December 2023
Dear Miriam,
I am 80 years old and have been taking care of my wife, who is 77, at home for several years. She was diagnosed with mixed dementia (Alzheimer’s disease and vascular dementia). But recently my own health has been getting worse. I’m still independent, but I don’t have much stamina. I finally made the heart-wrenching decision to place her in memory care. She has been there for three months now, but I miss her so much. I visit her every day, and she always wants to go home with me. Maybe I should just bring her back home. I sit in the house all alone when I am not with her, and I don’t really have other close friends. We can’t afford full-time help and they are kind to her at the facility, but I feel like the separation is causing us both to be miserable.
—Lonely and Unhappy
Dear Lonely,
I know that the struggles both you and your wife are going through are painful and challenging. Placing someone you love in a facility is a hard decision, but it sounds like you have thought through what the options are and that where she is living now is a good choice.
However, the loss of companionship and togetherness that you feel is very real. And I know you are feeling lonely and sad. Those are very common feelings for someone who is losing a spouse to both the symptoms of dementia, and now, physically to the facility where she lives. Though it has been three months, it may take even more time for you and your wife to adjust to this enormous change.
It is important for you to know that it is common for a person with dementia to want to “go home.” We even hear that people living at home say this too. It usually has to do with the confusion caused by dementia and the need to feel safe. You can offer lots of reassurance that she is being taken care of, and that you are there. Acknowledge her feelings, and then try offering a distraction, such as a snack or an activity.
You mention that you are at home alone all day except when you go to visit your wife. It is critical for us as human beings to have social contact, and I wonder if there might be something you would enjoy doing outside the house. For example, you could check out a senior center nearby and find out what types of activities they offer. You may enjoy a current events group, or exercise club, or having lunch together with others at the center.
If you continue to feel sad, it is important to get professional help. Contact your primary care physician to let them know how you are feeling and discuss whether counseling, medication, or both may be helpful. Consider a support group for caregivers where you can meet others who are in a similar situation. Alzheimer’s Los Angeles has a support group specifically for people who have a loved one in a facility.
Know that you are doing the very best that you can. Be patient with yourself, and give yourself some extra time to adjust while also reaching out to spend time with others. For more information, call our Helpline at 844-435-7259.
Best,
Miriam
Questions for Miriam can be sent to askmiriam@alzla.org.