Ask Miriam – August 2025
Dear Miriam,
My brother and I are trying our best to care for our parents who both have dementia. Our dad is 82, and our mom is 84. Mom was just recently diagnosed when she was taken to the ER because she couldn't breathe. It turned out to be anxiety, but she is also getting increasingly frail. She doesn't remember to eat or shower, and she and Dad are both losing weight. Dad is getting worse, too. And the house is a mess. We both live several hours away. We've tried having home health aides come in, but Mom and Dad simply turn them away at the door. We've also tried to talk to them about moving, and they refuse to listen. We actually just found a memory care that is willing to have them be together in the same room. We know they will continue to get worse, and it's not safe or healthy for them to stay in that house. How can we convince them that this would be a good solution?
—Concerned Siblings
Dear Siblings,
It is hard for adult children to face this kind of situation when trying their best to care for their parents, especially living at a distance. Aging brings many challenges and changes. Dementia, of course, makes it even more complex. Know that the ways that dementia affects the brain may cause people to think and behave differently, and they may be unable to use logic and reasoning to make decisions. Underneath, they are often frightened and confused and resist the idea of help or anything new.
Your parents probably feel comfortable in their home, which is familiar to them. Instead of confronting them with all the things they are no longer able to do, you could frame a move in a way they may understand. For example, you could ask your Mom's doctor to "prescribe" living near other people in order to help her heal and get stronger. Another possibility is to have an older member of the family, a family friend, or other trusted professional explain the benefits of moving and staying together.
Try to be patient and reassuring with your mom and dad. Suggest a "trial run" at the facility – they could go for the day and enjoy the activities and food there. Or perhaps even stay for a week or two. While adjusting to a new environment can take longer than that, once they are there, it may be easier to transition them to staying. Although it is possible that you might need to look into ways of legally making decisions on their behalf, using a supportive and loving approach may allow you and your parents to move forward.
Remember caregiving can be stressful and it is important for you both to take care of yourselves, too. Consider joining a caregiver support group, talking with a social worker, or reaching out to a friend. For more information about adult children caregivers or memory care, call Alzheimer's Los Angeles Helpline at 844-435-7259.
Best,
Miriam
Questions for Miriam can be sent to askmiriam@alzla.org.