Ask Miriam – September 2018
Dear Miriam,
My father has dementia. He was diagnosed 6 months ago, but I’m sure he’s had it longer than that. Lately, he’s started to accuse me and my children of stealing from him. My dad lives with us and even my kids help in caring for him. We’re not stealing from him, but nothing I say convinces him otherwise. He gets so angry and, sometimes, mean. What can I do?
Claire
Dear Claire,
I can imagine how frustrating and hurtful it must feel for you, but what you’re experiencing is not unusual in people living with a dementia. And trust me that your dad’s behavior isn’t personal toward you at all. What often happens in people living with a dementia is that they either (1) become paranoid because of the changes in their brain or (2) forget where they’ve put something.
Next time he accuses you of stealing, validate how he’s feeling. Your first response might be to get defensive, but imagine how scared or frustrated he might feel and acknowledge that. Then, offer an explanation for where the item might be. “Dad, they’re fixing it at the repair shop,” or “You let cousin Bobby borrow it and he’ll bring it back tomorrow.” We sometimes call these little lies “therapeutic fibs” and they’re a caregiver’s best friend. Then, distract Dad with a new activity and he’ll soon move on to something else.
On a final note, make sure you talk to your kids about Grandpa’s disease and how it’s impacting him. The more they know and understand, the easier it’ll be for them, too.