Ask Miriam – September 2026
Dear Miriam,
My aunt never had any children, but she was close to my family when I was growing up. She lived in the next town over, and my brother and I used to spend time there after school since both of our parents worked. Several years ago, my uncle was struggling with cancer, and then my aunt was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s. Somehow, even though they were both in their 80s, they managed at home. Before his death, though, my uncle chose a memory care facility for her, and they asked me to be her power of attorney. All the paperwork was in place when he died, and I moved my aunt into the memory care. Since then, it has been a disaster. She constantly asks when will she go home, where is my uncle, and says that the food is so terrible, she can’t eat a bite. I’m at my wits’ end, and the staff keep calling me either because she is crying, yelling, or refusing to eat. I can’t keep running over there. The food especially is a really big issue; she is losing weight, which she cannot afford. What can I do?
—Frustrated nephew
Dear Frustrated,
Your aunt and uncle clearly had great faith in your ability to make good decisions for your aunt. Alzheimer’s is a progressive condition that affects the functioning of the brain and continues to get worse over time. Memory loss and confusion are hallmarks of the diagnosis, and these cause her to lack awareness that her husband has died, and they make everything around her feel frightening.
There are several steps you can take to help your aunt adjust to her new home. The most important thing is to provide reassurance and communicate safety. When she is upset, you or the staff can tell her she is safe and taken care of. There is no need to confront her with the reality her husband has died, so just focus on the emotion: she misses him and is scared. After acknowledging the emotion, try to distract her with an activity she enjoys, or perhaps play some music or sing together.
Familiar items from home might also be comforting. See what you can bring over for her to keep in her room. Visit the facility during mealtimes so that you can get a better sense of what is bothering her regarding the food. Consult with the staff and dietitian to ensure the food is tasty and meets her nutritional needs. You may want to bring in some favorite foods that she is used to. Remember that small portions and snacks are all okay.
Adjusting to memory care can take time; it doesn’t mean that you are doing anything wrong. But with some thoughtfulness, patience and compassion, it is likely that she will start to get used to her new home. For more information about dementia and placement, contact Alzheimer’s Los Angeles Helpline at 844-435-7259.
Best,
Miriam
Questions for Miriam can be sent to askmiriam@alzla.org.
