Ask Miriam – January 2026
Dear Miriam,
I, along with my husband, our twin 10-year-olds, and my sister are all trying to take care of my dad, who is 85 and has dementia. We all live together in our family home. My husband works full-time, and I work part-time. I’m just exhausted, and I know my sister is too—with trying to make my dad happy, as he is just impossible to please. He likes his doctor, but he absolutely refuses to see a specialist. He argues with us about everything. My kids often hide out in their rooms to avoid the chaos. My husband does what he can in the evenings, but my sister and I bear the brunt of the work of getting him up, dressed, fed, and entertained for the day, plus taking him to bathroom, getting him to take his medicine, and more. Nothing we do is good enough. I feel like our family is breaking down right now.
—Struggling Daughter
Dear Struggling,
Caring for someone with dementia can be exhausting and overwhelming, especially when you have other family and work responsibilities to balance. And it is very hard when you feel unappreciated or that the person you are caring for is angry with you.
First of all, it is important to know that the symptoms your dad is having are normal for someone whose brain is not functioning the way it used to. The confusion he experiences can lead to distress, agitation, and the kind of behaviors that you are seeing. While there are a number of different types of dementia, (Alzheimer’s is the most common), it is not always a necessity to see a neurologist. But since your dad is comfortable with his primary care doctor, arrange an appointment to have him assessed to rule out any other causes for the symptoms he is having, and ask if medication would be helpful to calm his mood swings.
Then you may want to have a family meeting to talk about what parts of caring for your dad each person can take on – look at what strengths each of you brings. Perhaps one person would like to be in charge of running errands, or another will commit to making three dinners a week. Be as specific as possible. Your children can choose an hour each week to sit with their grandfather and do activities such as playing music, reading aloud, or taking a walk. During the family meeting, you should also talk about different ways to communicate, such as not arguing when he gets upset. You can try to distract him instead, talk about something else, or offer a snack. Also consider an adult day program which would provide stimulation for your dad, as well as a break for you and your sister.
Remember, you are doing your best for your dad and try not to take his outbursts personally. Make sure each of you has some regular time during the week to relax, and work on maintaining regular family meetings to keep communication open and to help everyone feel supported. Don’t hesitate to get outside support if needed, such as consulting with your own doctor or a therapist, or joining a caregiver support group. For more information on families and coping with behavioral dementia symptoms, call the Alzheimer’s Los Angeles Helpline at 844-435-7259.
Best,
Miriam
Questions for Miriam can be sent to askmiriam@alzla.org.